30SOMETHING & SINGLE with RANNY KANG: THE COCK-BLOCK OF ENTITLEMENT

When we’ve been single for a long time, (some of us longer than others) at some point, we got comfortable being by ourselves.  We’ve gotten complacent with our relationship status and indifferent about being in love. While we may be ready to be in a romantic relationship, the thought of dating becomes this buzz kill that requires more work than being a strong and i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t woman (or man). Instead of dating, we’d rather be working more hours, picking up extra shifts or focusing on our careers. We spend our time distracting our minds with television or social media and other people’s drama. Why deal with all of the baggage that comes with being with someone when I could be by myself?

Now we’re in our early-thirties ready to be in a relationship — ready to do the damn thang — but there are no good guys (or girls) left. All of the men we meet are flakey, and the women are high maintenance. Men don’t approach us anymore, and women are setting the bar too high. We keep swiping right, but that is about as far as it gets. Dating is too hard. Maybe we should hire a match maker, but that’s too expensive. Fuck it. We’ll just move to Southern California where there’s a better chance of meeting someone — and we’ll just tell everyone that we’re packing up and moving our entire lives for the weather. I’ve got news for you, boo. Unless you are living on a remote island with aboriginals, there is not a scarcity of potential mates, nor is it the environment that is keeping you from being in a relationship. Lets be real: YOU are the common denominator.

Okay, I agree. Dating has evolved tremendously — thanks to technology, media and yes, globalization. But even with the ability to connect with others literally at the tip of our fingers, the conversation around dating hasn’t shifted towards a positive direction. I would even argue that it’s gotten worse. I would go even further to argue that it’s not technology, the media or globalization’s fault, but that it’s the ever-growing gap of expectation-causing singleites to become apathetic or even jaded. Instead of using our resources as a tool, people are expecting more from doing a lot less. In other words, guys expecting girls to respond desperately after they’ve made the first move with “hey” (as a full-sentence) — or women expecting men to be the first to say “hey” after “It’s a match!” We are not willing to do the work and put our asses out on the line to be with another person. As a result we miss out on all of the possibilities of experiencing love, connection and intimacy. When it comes to dating, our biggest cock-block is our sense of entitlement.

Before I made the conscious effort to transform myself and my relationship with men, I was that girl — the girl that always went out with at least four girlfriends, making sure that there was always one in front of me, one behind me and one on either side of me to keep any guys out. I was that girl who will ghost you after our first date (but if you’re lucky, our first drink). I was that girl who would do anything to avoid being vulnerable — like dating emotionally, mentally or even physically unavailable men. I was that girl who would fantasize about dating professional athletes, fall in love with men across the Pacific Ocean and intentionally seek out romantic rendezvous on the other side of the world — all too avoid being in a real relationship with a real man. And when I finally realized that I wanted a partner to share my life with, I knew that I needed to do the work and put my ass on the line for The Relationship that I wanted.

What does it mean to “do the work and put my ass on the line”? While I could write a whole book on doing the work and putting asses on the line, I won’t overwhelm you with advice, especially if the possibility of being in a romantic relationship is brand new. Instead, I will leave you with three actions to take that will give you access to an opening as you embark on this life adventure filled with love, connection and intimacy.

1. Get Complete

In other words, get closure. When people say, “I need closure.” I agree. Closure is necessary  — whether it’s tomorrow or a decade from now. Sometimes, all it takes is a conversation that includes taking responsibility and acknowledging the other person. Most times, you’re going to have to dig deep and do the work to discover the stories and the barriers that hav2 kept you from being vulnerable. There are structures that can support the healing process. See below.

2. Get A Coach

Almost all professional athletes and successful entrepreneurs have a coach. Equipped with tools and techniques, coaches are trained to give us an objective perspective that we cannot see for ourselves. Because you have intentionally sought out help, you will be able to hear what your coach has to say that your friends may have been saying forever. Whether it’s a relationship coach, a chakra healer or a freakin’ shaman, don’t suffer alone.

3.  Get Going  

Now that you’ve done the work to get things complete with “closure” and got some help to heal, it’s time to get going — start dating or just start doing the work to help you get clear and closer to what you really want in a partner and a committed relationship. Other ways that you can practice being another person without going on dates is to take partner dance classes like salsa, swing, tango or even check out contact dancing. You can even try acro-yoga (also known as partner yoga). Put your ass on the line and do the work — or be entitled and be alone.

• Ranny
• Seaspot